People say right before your death your whole life flashes before your eyes,
A recap of the events that brought you to this place,
The things that made you who you are,
As a reminder,
As a curse.
You asked me to say goodbye to you yesterday,
And that’s what I felt.
I remembered resting my eyes in yours for an instant more than I should have
Watching the curves of your body move the way they did that night.
I felt your hand guiding me as you led me through the merry streets of Brighton,
And the look on your face when you said, “you trying to get me drunk?”
And I remembered…
The nights you carried me to bed and the cookies you made at one.
The lightness of my spirit when you laughed and the warmth of my lips when you touched them.
You held me close, always,
Drumming a beat, playing a game.
I felt at peace in your arms,
In your heart,
Serene and placid were my thoughts.
And then again, I remember the hurt
And the softness, of your voice when our trip to Sunnyside came to an end.
The long walks through the parks, stopping for deserts and ice creams on the way.
I remember the bubble that you created for us and the songs we sang.
And getting lost, always and forever getting lost
Even in my own city. I just go where my feet take me.
And that night it took me to the bath when I couldn’t stop the hurt in front of you.
You loved me so truly.
I felt it when I slept on your chest.
It was in the food we ate and the house we shared,
The sunsets we chased.
As a guide you were, to happiness,
Something I knew so little of before I met you.
Does any of it matter now?
I can feel the oceans getting bigger and the tides growing stronger
By the day, they will take us over.
I feel as if I am sinking already,
And you are not here to save me.
I see the glimmer of hope shimmering in the distance,
As you turn your back.
You are here, in the rise and fall of my chest.
You can’t ever go away from there,
So why do I feel like a foreign infection has invaded?
I hold my tongue now, when I speak to you,
Take deep breaths and force the hurt out.
But it is here too, in the folds of my soul.
– Shammy 6/13/12 3:31am