Sometimes she would sit down with a thought in her mind – the fridge needs cleaning, for instance – and find that half an hour, an hour or more had passed and it was still as if that thought had just come into her head.” – Monica Ali, Brick Lane
Posts Tagged ‘depression’
My brother and I used to play manhunt with the neighborhood kids: GJ, Manny and his older sister. We would hide in the factories, under the loading docks, in the alleyway that was paved with gravel and weeds down the middle. We would play sometimes till our parents came looking for us, to take us home. I remember going exploring in those parts, taking flashlights and climbing down the stairs of the underground sewer system. I don’t remember it smelling bad or being uncomfortable. It was like a cave that no one knew existed but us, and we were happy with just that.
One day I packed all my schoolbooks for the year, some clothes and my shoes into three plastic grocery bags for me to run away with. I waved goodbye to my mother, who didn’t notice in the mist of tending to my sister. I left with a sinking feeling; picked up my bags and made my way to the shed in the middle of the alleyway with its cracked window. It was winter and I remember the cold air that left frozen streaks on my face. I stood in the rubble of the abandoned shed for awhile before I set my bags down on the gravel. There was no place to sit so I took my notebook out and held it in my hand, too scared then to open it. I wouldn’t have a bed to share anymore, but at least I had all my books. I could still go to school every day and have lunch and it will be just the same but better, I thought. When it was starting to get dark my brother came and stood in my broken doorway, “you couldn’t find a better place to hide?” He snickered. With an evil grin on his stupid face, he picked up my bags and led the way back home, “why did you run away?” He coaxed. “Why did you run away?”
“Nobody likes me,” I said.
It is water that runs through us,
Natural The mucus that clogs my lungs
All fixed by a tall clear glass.
Do you thirst?
You will when you see all that I can do
But I won’t feed you
Your heart is one that cannot be cleansed.
– Shammy 10/23/12 10:16am
I went to England to die.
I wanted to jump off the white cliffs of Dover
Into the channel
Without a struggle for breath
Just a downward decline
I thought I would see the light on the water tops
And then a soothing black would take it all away.
I went to escape this prison you put me in
The uneasy mornings that I wake up and know you have been here
Creeping during the night
At the foot of my bed
Black stood up against black
Only you were blacker than any black I’d ever seen
For my toes, for my ankles, anything to hold me down.
I remember the wind
. In the middle of July
. My hands shaking on that familiar rock
. Clear waters whispering my name
. All I had to do was let go
And so I did.
I’ve needed a break for a long time now, but how can I do that successfully without stifling my momentum? Time can’t be created and neither can a world where my thoughts aren’t clouded by darkness. – Shammy 10/15/12 6:11pm
I feel too much now to speak of hate.
I will not hold you any longer,
in my heart, in my life.
Like the sand that disappears beneath my feet
When the current pulls it,
Was she your current?
I’ll never know…
But there’s water now, in my throat
And I can’t speak.
– Shammy 8/29/12 10:37pm
You tried so little
I hung onto
Then let down
Was that all my worth?
Defined by his actions, by his deeds
Two months later you are sorry
For the year.
Maybe I should’ve spoken up,
Maybe you should’ve listened
To the silence in my eyes
The subtle emptiness that sucked the blood
And left the bones
For dogs to feed
Bellies, to infect.
– Shammy 8/22/12 5:32am