Posts Tagged ‘depression’

Sometimes she would sit down with a thought in her mind – the fridge needs cleaning, for instance – and find that half an hour, an hour or more had passed and it was still as if that thought had just come into her head.” – Monica Ali, Brick Lane

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My brother and I used to play manhunt with the neighborhood kids: GJ, Manny and his older sister. We would hide in the factories, under the loading docks, in the alleyway that was paved with gravel and weeds down the middle. We would play sometimes till our parents came looking for us, to take us home. I remember going exploring in those parts, taking flashlights and climbing down the stairs of the underground sewer system. I don’t remember it smelling bad or being uncomfortable. It was like a cave that no one knew existed but us, and we were happy with just that.

One day I packed all my schoolbooks for the year, some clothes and my shoes into three plastic grocery bags for me to run away with. I waved goodbye to my mother, who didn’t notice in the mist of tending to my sister. I left with a sinking feeling; picked up my bags and made my way to the shed in the middle of the alleyway with its cracked window. It was winter and I remember the cold air that left frozen streaks on my face. I stood in the rubble of the abandoned shed for awhile before I set my bags down on the gravel. There was no place to sit so I took my notebook out and held it in my hand, too scared then to open it. I wouldn’t have a bed to share anymore, but at least I had all my books. I could still go to school every day and have lunch and it will be just the same but better, I thought. When it was starting to get dark my brother came and stood in my broken doorway, “you couldn’t find a better place to hide?” He snickered. With an evil grin on his stupid face, he picked up my bags and led the way back home, “why did you run away?” He coaxed.  “Why did you run away?”

“Nobody likes me,” I said.

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We are so dramatic.
It is water that runs through us,
Simple
Natural
The mucus that clogs my lungs
The headaches
The cracks
All fixed by a tall clear glass.

The thirst.

Do you thirst?
You will when you see all that I can do
But I won’t feed you
Your heart is one that cannot be cleansed.

 
Frozen beauties,
Lost in time
Condensed in memory
Is all that will be remembered in the end.

 – Shammy 10/23/12 10:16am

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I went to England to die.
I wanted to jump off the white cliffs of Dover
Into the channel
Without a struggle for breath
Just a downward decline
I thought I would see the light on the water tops
Waving goodbye

.
And then a soothing black would take it all away.
.
I went to escape this prison you put me in
The uneasy mornings that I wake up and know you have been here
Creeping during the night
At the foot of my bed
Black stood up against black
Only you were blacker than any black I’d ever seen
Reaching
For my toes, for my ankles, anything to hold me down.
.
I remember the wind
.                In the middle of July
.                               My hands shaking on that familiar rock
.                                             Clear waters whispering my name
.                                                           All I had to do was let go
And so I did.

– Shammy

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I’ve needed a break for a long time now, but how can I do that successfully without stifling my momentum? Time can’t be created and neither can a world where my thoughts aren’t clouded by darkness. – Shammy 10/15/12 6:11pm

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I feel too much now to speak of hate.

I will not hold you any longer,

in my heart, in my life.

Fleeting moments

Like the sand that disappears beneath my feet

When the current pulls it,

Was she your current?

I’ll never know…

But there’s water now, in my throat

And I can’t speak.

– Shammy 8/29/12 10:37pm

 

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You tried so little

So late

All words

I hung onto

Then let down

Was that all my worth?

 

A man

Defined by his actions, by his deeds

Two months later you are sorry

For the year.

 

Maybe I should’ve spoken up,

Maybe you should’ve listened

To the silence in my eyes

The subtle emptiness that sucked the blood

And left the bones

For dogs to feed

Bellies, to infect.

– Shammy 8/22/12 5:32am

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